rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
