my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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