i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
