I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
