I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We are two peas in an std pod
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
