Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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