The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How's work?
Spinning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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