Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
