no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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