Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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