dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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