I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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