got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
