If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
