i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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