Got a toothbrush?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
