im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
