There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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