Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
