ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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