So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
