mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
