You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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