Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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