I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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