I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
