why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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