i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
