Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
