there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
