The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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