I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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