he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
