All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I intend to get homeless drunk
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
