How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
