whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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