Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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