I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
