Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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