Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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