dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
