the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
