Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
did i walk over a car last night?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
