once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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