I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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