found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
