turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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