worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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