Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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