I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
