you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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