the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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