You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
