Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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