It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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