I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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