Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
