Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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