he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
