worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
