They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
