so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
