He felt like a one man threesome
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
