Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
